Gnome.

Here are some excerpts from the titillating interview:

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

It will occur on August 14 when the Black Eyed Peas play the Scottrade Center. Thankfully, I’ll be vacationing in the Pacific Northwest, which is far away from that wretched musical group.

Where would you like to live?

Depending on how my August vacation goes, perhaps the Pacific Northwest. If it goes poorly, probably somewhere in Florida.

What is your idea of earthly happiness?

Going to a karaoke bar with tons of friends, waking up somewhat late the next morning and going for a nice run on a gravel trail.

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?

I sometimes get impatient when a karaoke rotation is too slow. I sometimes get really into insignificant things, like the Simpsons, Degrassi: The Next Generation or the video game Rock Band.

Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?

Since I consider professional wrestling fiction, I would go with the Celtic Warrior Sheamus. I like him because he often kicks John Cena in the face. I also like Ignatius from A Confederacy of Dunces, and Garp from The World According to Garp.

Your favorite virtue?

Tenacity.

Your favorite occupation?

Hot air balloon racer.

Your most marked characteristic?

Probably the dark-rimmed glasses and a monotone voice.

Who would you have liked to be?

Not Tiger Woods, anymore.

Well, even though you're the worst lyricist in the history of mainstream music, OMG is a catchy song. Congratulations, Will.I.am. You now have $1.29 of a iTunes gift card I received for my birthday. Now please go away.

I’m pretty sure that I’ve made clear of my distaste for the Black Eyed Peas. The group has created songs with some of the most awful and poorly written lyrics in the history of popular music.

As the group’s chief songwriter, Will.i.am is responsible for polluting popular culture with awfulness like “My Humps” and “I Gotta Feeling.” He even had the audacity to appear in a commercial with Bob Dylan, which implied – quite unbelievably – that the two artists were comparable. Well, there’s a class studying Bob Dylan’s music at Indiana University. They may break down Will.i.am’s songs at clown college. Or stripper college.

Anyway, Will.i.am recently teamed up with Usher. Usher, of course, has been consistently popular for awhile now. He’s sold millions albums by releasing smooth songs with sexual overtures. He’s one of the better pop singers out there. So you would expect a collaboration with Will.i.am would fail miserably, right?

Yes, of course it did. I mean, how can anybody take ownership of stuff like this:

This was something special. This was just like dynamite.
Honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow.
Honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow.
Girl you know I’m loving your, loving your style.

Or this:

Fell in love with honey like my, oh my
Honey looking wonderful; fly, so fly
Honey like a supermodel; my, oh my
Baby how you do that, make a grown man cry?

I downloaded it anyway. Why? Because I had an iTunes gift card. Which means technically, I gave Will.i.am money for a song that he was on. I feel dirty. I can’t justify the purchase.

In the end, even though I am clearly a better lyricist than Will.i.am, it didn’t matter whether I made a stand against him. He’s going to sell songs.

But it’s all right. Everything is all right. The struggle is finished. I’ve won the victory over myself. I loved Will.i.am.

I’m in Columbia this weekend visiting friends and sampling delicious local food. I also had the honor of running on the awesome MKT Trail, which is situated conveniently next to a Taco Bell.

Before heading onto the trail, I went to a gas station to grab a Sobe Lifewater. I noticed there was a prominent display of Smirnoff Ice. That got me thinking – was the gas station promoting this absolutely terrible beverage because of “icing?”

[Icing, of course, is when a loser reveals a Smirnoff Ice and forces the recipient to get on one knee and guzzle the horrible concoction.]

Being the curious sort, I asked the attendant whether Smirnoff Ice sales are up in the wake of this stupid craze. He told me they’ve been selling a lot more six packs as of late. He also agreed with me that Smirnoff Ice is terrible.

My conclusion? Smirnoff Ice sales are high where there is a high concentration of frat dudes – namely college towns. I wouldn’t be caught dead drinking that crap in the STL. You can take that to the bank.

[On a side note, I once drank a Smirnoff Ice a few years ago because I thought it was kosher for Passover. Even if I was right, my brain was clearly suffering from carb deprivation.]

This Parker Eshelman photo shows me engaging in my secret music career.

career. It took me everywhere from “Mad Real Mondays” to somehow opening for 2 Live Crew. I also had a year-long stint at the As Yet Unnamed Comedy Show, which I feel was essential to getting me to the finals of Deja Vu’s “Last Comic Standing” competition.

My secret music career had a lot of highs and lows. For instance, I was destroyed in a battle by Kelly Betz, something to this day that I think about every six months or so. But the high point came in 2007 when I had a chance to collaborate with the Columbia, Mo. band Audio Ammunition [http://www.audioammunition.net/]. It was special because I was able to collaborate and perform with a real, live band.

Audio Ammunition and I collaborated on a few songs that summer. One of the songs was “Honeys

Audio Ammunition performing "Honeys Takin' Money" in 2007 at Jesse Hall.

Takin’ Money,” which has become a staple whenever I perform live. The other song was “War Against the Radio,” which I was honored to perform at AA’s show with Shiny Toy Guns in 2007. It was my first and only time performing at the Blue Note, but it’s still something I remember fondly when reminiscing about Columbia days of yore.

Today, I’m proud and excited to announce that “War Against the Radio” has been approved to be sold as a downloadable song for the video game Rock Band 2.

I’ve been talking about this for a long time, but I’ll explain the process as best

Jonathan Martin is the brainchild behind Audio Ammunition.

as I can. I’m a huge fan of Rock Band, almost to the point of obsession. Not has my former roommate told me that I need to dial 1-800-ROCK-OFF, but IGN luminary Greg Miller went on a public campaign to try to get me to play something else. It was obviously unsuccessful.

Last year, Harmonix announced a new project called Rock Band Network. It was a way for third-party charters to pump songs into the Rock Band platform without having to go through a huge bottleneck. It was also a way for unsigned bands to get songs into the

Chris Pond is responsible for the silky synth in Audio Ammunition.

platform. Chris Pond and I decided to send War Against the Radio to Rhythm Authors, one of the bigger third-party charters with RBN. We were both very surprised to learn that RA had not only liked our song, but they had decided to actually chart it. We signed a contract last year.

The process from that point up until now has been long. But this week was a breakthrough when a lot of people started peer reviewing “War Against the Radio.” It received the final positive vote on June 29 and today it was put up for sale in the XBOX Marketplace [http://marketplace.xbox.com/en-US/games/offers/800003c3-0000-4000-8000-000045410869]. I expect it to be up for sale in the Rock Band Network store either Monday or Tuesday [for those who have Rock Band 2, that’s the option underneath the main music store].

We also contracted with RA to make “Honeys Takin’ Money,” but today I am just thrilled that we got “War Against the Radio” through the ringer. It’s a really good song, and a very sizable challenge on drums. And it’s only $1!

So, if you have XBOX 360 and Rock Band 2, you can now emulate my rapping skills. And Nick Wilson’s drumming skills. And Chris Pond’s synth skills. And… well, you get the picture.

Go download it!

Heck yes!

Dwight 2012?

Why did I jump the shark?

Because I’m hooked on The Office.

And I bet I got hooked as soon as the show is declining, right masses?

Keys... drool...

Consider this my mea culpa to Greg Miller – the music game genre has gotten a little stale.

That doesn’t mean that I’ve put away Rock Band or Guitar Hero. And no, I’m not about to stop spending my hard-earned cash on music games. It’s just that since Rock Band 2 came out in 2008, there really hasn’t been much innovation in the genre. Yes, there have been great – dare I say, incredible – songs released as downloadable content. And there have even been some highly entertaining sub games, such as Beatles: Rock Band and, to some extent, Green Day: Rock Band. Heck, even Guitar Hero 5 was decent.

But with the exception of harmonies and an updated presentation, these games have felt very similar to Rock Band 2. So when the flood of information came out about Rock Band 3, I was stunned. Not only is the game adding a keyboard, but it is also allowing players to use a fully functional guitar. And the game will also feature a better interface, a more comprehensive single-player mode and the ability to play with seven – that’s right – seven people at a time.

Clearly Harmonix knows what they’re doing when it comes to the core principles of music gaming. And I’m especially exited to play an instrument [the keyboards] that won’t shatter my already fragile wrists. But one thing I think Harmonix been hit or miss on lately – especially in the last year – is song selection. Since I moved to St. Louis, there have only been a few instances where I was tremendously excited for Rock Band downloadable content. And most of that excitement emanated from Rock Band Network DLC being ported to PS3. So even though I’m going to buy this game the day it comes out, I would still like the setlist to be solid.

So far, RB3 is off to a good start. I’m stoked to play “Bohemian Rhapsody,” “Lasso,” “Break on Through,” “Rainbow in the Dark” and “Get Free.” But HMX still has 60 songs to release to the world. Based on artists being in previous game, the adaptability to harmonies and the keyboard and old fashioned guessing, here are ten tunes I think will make it into Rock Band 3:

1. All These Things That I’ve Done – The Killers

Why: The Killers made an appearance in Rock Band 1 with “When You Were Young.” They also were part of a very successful 3-pack that included “Mr. Brightside,” “Spaceman” and “Smile Like You Mean It.” I think the fact that the band utilizes multiple singers and keyboards makes them a near-lock for RB3. And I think Harmonix will pick their best song to showcase one of the only bands that matter.

2. Avenged Sevenfold – Nightmare

Why: Avenged Sevenfold is incredibly popular among casual music gamers. They have some of the best selling DLC ever and “Almost Easy” is a common pick online. I think RB3 will showcase their single from their new album, which happens to feature Dream Theater virtuoso drummer Mike Portnoy.

3. Elton John – Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting

Why: Yes, this song from Sir Elton was in Guitar Hero 5. But HMX already included “Crocodile Rock” in LEGO: Rock Band. And few artists could utilize the keyboard peripheral better than my man from England. OK, he’s not really “my man.” But I think he’ll have a song in the game.

4. Paranoid Android – Radiohead

Why: This choice is probably more wishful thinking than an educated guess. But Radiohead’s been absent from the music game world since HMX released “My Iron Lung” as DLC. I think it’s just about time for the boys from Oxford to make their return to the genre, and this song would be quite challenging on guitar and vocals.

5. The Hives – Hate to Say I Told You So

Why: RB3 will already have “Get Free” by the Vines. So perhaps it makes sense for this song to make it in as well. It’s worth noting that The Hives were already in Rock Band 1 and LEGO Rock Band. They also had “Die! All Right” ported to DLC.

6. Meatloaf – Bat Out Of Hell

Why: Yes, Meatloaf is a terrible choice for karaokers. But this song would constitute an ultimate challenge for music games. It would be super tough on guitar, challenging on vocals and downright impossible on the keyboard. And it would be long. Really long. But I think it makes it in, simply because it fits the game.

7. Megadeth – Sweating Bullets

Why: Even though this song is another holdover from Guitar Hero 5, Dave Mustane has shown he has no problem releasing his band’s music through the Rock Band platform. I wouldn’t be surprised if another Megadeth song was picked, but this one seems like a pretty safe choice. I’m not a huge Megadeth fan, but the band’s songs are really difficult on all instruments.

8. Smashing Pumpkins – Tonight, Tonight

Why: My impulse would be to choose “Bullet With Butterfly Wings,” but apparently that song is going to be released through the Rock Band Network. So I’ll go with another hit off of Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness. This song could be really fun if HMX charts the string parts to keyboards.

9. Foo Fighters – Big Me

Why: HMX has pretty much released every Foo Fighter song ever made – except this one. Some may be pissed that this band is showing up in yet another iteration of Rock Band, but the Foos have proven to be pretty popular. And their songs aren’t terrible. Well, OK. “Monkey Wrench” is pretty awful.

10. My Chemical Romance – Welcome to the Black Parade

Why: Beyond the fact that I really like this song, MCR is already going to be in Guitar Hero 6. So it’s not out of the question that the band would release a more appropriate song on Rock Band 3. I use the word “appropriate” because the song could be fun as heck on keyboards, guitar, drums and vocals.

Other bands that I think will make it into the game: Dream Theater, Green Day, The Who, Pantera, Korn, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Bon Jovi, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nirvana, Beastie Boys, Weezer, Talking Heads, Journey, Gorillaz, The Offspring, Disturbed, Alice in Chains and Linkin Park.

NOTE: I have absolutely no inside information on what songs will be in Rock Band 3. These are just educated guesses.

This was so f--king awesome, I watched it twice.

I am well aware that professional wrestling is predetermined. And I know quite well that John Cena didn’t get the crap beat out him by eight NXT rookies.

But as a unabashed Cena hater, I have but three words:

THAT WAS AWESOME!